


A Day Off

by HongjoongKeepsKillingMe



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Insecurity, i still dont know how to name stuff, joong is stressed and sad, or tag, seonghwa is an angel, the others are mainly just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 07:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18806815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HongjoongKeepsKillingMe/pseuds/HongjoongKeepsKillingMe
Summary: Hongjoong should be out having fun with the members.He should be taking silly pictures and telling them off for spending all their money but here he was, wrapped in cold sheets and crying to an empty dorm while the heaviness in his chest only grew.





	A Day Off

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I'm alive
> 
> Actually I'm not, I died along with Hongjoong's mullet (R.I.P cutest hair in the world)
> 
> I should warn you that I'm projecting a lot of angsty feelings onto Hongjoong, so please be careful if you're sensitive to things like insecurity and feeling down!!

When the managers told them that they had the next day off, Hongjoong felt a huge sense of relief. He had cheered with the rest of the members, excited at the idea of a free day to do what they wanted – as much as they loved dancing and singing, there came a point where a break was needed.

As the members eagerly listed all the things they wanted to do, Seonghwa gave Hongjoong a light nudge. ‘That means no producing either, okay?’

‘Yup,’ Hongjoong nodded. The stubborn part of him wanted to continue to work on music, but he knew he needed a break. Seonghwa sent him an uncertain look so he smiled reassuringly. ‘I promise!’

Seonghwa sighed but returned the smile. ‘I’m holding you to that.’

They shared a playful nudge before joining Mingi and Wooyoung’s debate on where they should eat at the end of the day.

-

Hongjoong had expected to wake up excited and ready to go out for the day.

Instead, he found himself sitting up in his bed feeling tired and strangely heavy. It felt like he should be working today instead of wasting his time – he knew it was irrational, that he wouldn’t be a failure just because he took a day off. He itched to pull out his laptop and work on his music to relieve the feeling, but he had made a promise not to do that, so he ignored it and forced himself out of bed instead.

Ignoring the weird feeling worked until they were putting on their shoes and it settled in that they were going to spend the entire day outside. Hongjoong felt something tighten in his throat at the thought of all these hours that he could be spending in the studio, but swallowed it and helped Wooyoung with his jacket to distract himself.

‘We can go see the buskers by the market later,’ Wooyoung told him with a grin and Hongjoong forced out a smile.

‘Sounds good.’

He made conversation with the younger as they left in an attempt to forget whatever the ugly feeling eating at him was. It wasn’t helping much, but he could only hope that he would feel better after being outdoors for a bit.

-

Being outdoors did not help, as he soon found out by the time the members were dispersing to do what they wanted. Seeing the excited families and couples around him were only making him feel worse. Why couldn’t he just feel happy like them? Why was he the only one feeling this way?

He felt lonely.

Suddenly he wanted to be away from everyone.

‘Hyung, do you want to go eat over there with us?’ San asked, nodding at a restaurant not far off.

Hongjoong appreciated the offer but he really needed to be alone so he shook his head. ‘Nah, I think I’ll check out that music store,’ he pointed at a shop in the opposite direction. San sent him a pensive look but nodded and dragged Seonghwa off to the food place.

‘See you later!’

‘Bye, guys,’ Hongjoong muttered and made a slow walk to the music shop. He looked in their direction as he opened the door and was frustrated to see that they were still in sight. He entered the shop and pretended to browse the shelves while he waited for San and Seonghwa to be gone.

He tried to feel excited when he recognised some of his favourite artists’ albums, but something was weighing down in his stomach and he could barely bring himself to read the titles. For some reason, it was the albums from the artists he liked that made him feel most sick and he hated it. He didn’t know where this feeling was coming from but he wanted to be away from it, so he quickly left the shop and made a brisk walk back to the dorms.

_I_ _’_ _ll just tell them I felt tired,_ he thought to himself as he guiltily remembered how Mingi had wanted everyone to meet up for dinner. He made a mental note to text them in a few hours (it would be too suspicious for him to say that barely 10 minutes after they left the dorm, and they would definitely know something was up). With his plan formed, he let his mind unfocus, allowed his eyes to relax and everything to blur in front of him. Now everything looked as fuzzy as it felt.

He passed a group of teenagers as he trudged home, their voices loud but faded-out and unintelligible. He winced a little, feeling the tension in his head grow into an ache from the noise. They were soon out of earshot but the headache persisted, pounding harder with every step he took.

It was a painful walk to the dorm but eventually he got to the building and stumbled into the elevator, grateful that it was empty. The elevator lurched slightly as it ascended which didn’t help his headache but he figured it was better than having to walk up three flights of stairs in his current state. He briefly wondered if he had pressed the right button. All the buttons were glowing a blurry green – he could barely make out the numbers or find the energy to focus his eyes. He sighed, hoping he had pressed the right one out of habit.

The elevator let out a sound that felt shriller than usual, and Hongjoong cringed as he walked out. He luckily made it to the group’s apartment and fumbled for a few minutes with the keys until he finally made it in, letting out a shaky breath. After that, everything was a blur of kicking off his shoes and changing into comfortable clothes with a constant headache and fuzziness dulling his senses. He eventually found himself lying in his bed, feeling strangely cold. His feet felt like ice and the frigid sheets weren’t doing anything to warm him up.

The rapper tried not to shiver and pulled up the covers, hoping his body heat would spread into them. He had no energy to do anything about it so he could only let out quiet whimpers of discomfort to the empty dorm.

After what felt like an eternity, the cold started to give way to numbness. It wasn’t warmth, but it was a little better than before. Hongjoong sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he wasn’t going to be comfortable anytime soon, despite being in his own bed.

He had thought that coming back here would ease these feelings, but now a different heaviness was building in him. It didn’t feel right, being here alone. The dim light coming through the half-shut curtains was dull and lifeless, making everything look empty and grey. This room didn’t look like home. Suddenly the walls seemed huge and unwelcoming and a deep feeling of loneliness washed up in him, and just like that he was breathing shallow and fast, something ugly reminding him of all his shortcomings and how he was a failure of a leader.

It was stupid, even he knew that. Why should he lose to his insecurities just because he was home alone? Though, maybe it was exactly that. He had rarely been in the position to just lie in bed and think – there was always a member to check on or Seonghwa to talk with, if he wasn’t already exhausted enough to fall asleep as soon as he fell into bed. Maybe now all the frustrations he had bottled up were gushing out, and gushing out _hard_. He hated it.

He let out a bitter laugh when he felt a wet patch form on his pillow. Now he was crying? He turned onto his other side, ignoring how cold the sheets felt against his exposed hip, and closed his eyes. Some part of him knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep but he also knew that he couldn’t do anything else, so he closed his eyes and let the cruel thoughts run him down until they were satisfied.

-

A loud, distant thud caused Hongjoong’s eyes to snap open. He must have been sleeping, but he didn’t feel rested – his limbs only felt heavy and stiff with cold. Frowning, he tried reaching for his phone to check the time, only to realise it was in his jacket that he had thrown somewhere into the living room. Judging from the light coming through the window, it must have been around noon, so there was no reason for anyone to have returned to the dorm so soon unless they forgot something. He decided to stay quiet so they wouldn’t notice him.

That plan quickly failed, as the door to his bedroom opened and a figure walked over to him. ‘Hongjoong, what’s wrong?’

Hongjoong only stared at his roommate, unable to form any words in his current state. Seonghwa kneeled by the bed, concern obvious on his face. ‘Joongie? Is everything all right?’

‘I—’ Hongjoong raised his head and tried to speak but his voice refused to come out. He let out a huff, falling back onto his pillow. He wanted to tell the elder that he was fine and just needed some rest, but of course his body had to go and fail him in every way possible.

‘Hongjoong…’ a warm hand cupped his cheek to turn his head towards the elder. ‘Oh my gosh, your face feels so cold! You must be freezing—’ Seonghwa started to ramble and Hongjoong frowned, unable to keep up in his groggy state of mind.

‘Can you keep your hand here?’ he finally managed to force the words out, bringing up a hand of his own to rest on Seonghwa’s. The warmth was so soothing that a part of him never wanted to let go of his hand, despite how stupid that sounded.

Seonghwa looked at him and huffed, shaking his head. ‘Why didn’t you turn on the heating? It’s freezing in here,’ he said, pulling away. ‘At least put a hoodie on. Take mine, it’ll be warmer.’

A small, angry part of Hongjoong was irritated at the fact that Seonghwa was trying to help him. He didn’t want help, he wanted to lie there and let his mind rant at him with negativity until he tired himself out, but the elder was already guiding him to sit up with those warm hands. He almost didn’t notice the cold air as Seonghwa handed him the hoodie and helped him to put it on. It was toasty from being worn all morning, and he couldn’t hold back an involuntary happy sigh as he was surrounded with warmth.

He laid back down, missing Seonghwa’s smile at the sight.

Once he was settled again, Seonghwa nudged for him to move over and joined him under the covers. Hongjoong was mildly surprised but he was still in a fragile state of mind and he wasn’t about to refuse potential cuddles.

‘So,’ Seonghwa started when they were lying on their sides, facing each other. ‘You’ve been crying.’

‘What?’ Hongjoong reached for his face. The tear tracks were still slightly damp and he mentally cursed. He always made a point to never show any weaknesses to the other members, but here he was with Seonghwa knowing and _seeing_ that he was crying. The thing in him stirred again, growling at him that he could hardly be a role model if he acted vulnerable like this, that he was in no way fit to lead the group, that Seonghwa would doubt his capabilities –

‘Hey, hey,’ Seonghwa said and Hongjoong looked up at him, the thoughts fading to the background momentarily. ‘That’s it, focus on me. I lost you for a minute.’ He offered a smile that wasn’t returned.

Hongjoong knew he was being stubborn and difficult but he couldn’t bring himself to pretend that he was fine. He dropped his gaze, not wanting to keep eye contact. He had never been in a situation like this and he hated how vulnerable it was making him feel, even though it was only Seonghwa in front of him. Seonghwa, who was always happy to comfort the other members, who always insisted that it was okay, that it was _normal_ to feel down and talk about it every now and then. So why was he so fucking insecure and special that he couldn’t share his feelings like a normal human being? It seemed like his mind was prepared to criticise him no matter what he did.

‘Hongjoong?’ Seonghwa sounded so concerned that Hongjoong’s guilt only grew. Who was he to force the elder to worry and stay with him when he should be out, enjoying his day off?

‘I’m sorry,’ he muttered. ‘You should be with the others…’

‘Would you go out and have fun while another member was feeling down?’

Hongjoong hesitated. ‘…no…’ He knew the elder had a point but it didn’t stop him feeling like Seonghwa shouldn’t be wasting his time on him.

‘If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine,’ Seonghwa started, ‘but remember that I’m here, okay? You can talk to me anytime.’ He offered another smile and extended his arms. ‘Do you at least want a hug?’

Hongjoong told himself that he crawled into the elder’s arms because he felt bad for being so difficult. If he did it because that smile absolutely melted him and he didn’t want his fresh tears to be so obvious, no one needed to know. Seonghwa’s arms settled around him, pulling him closer. Hongjoong let himself relax in his hold. He still felt uncomfortably heavy and sick, but the warmth and the firmness of the hug was helping a little.

Seonghwa stayed silent now, bringing up a hand to rub at the back of the younger’s head. Hongjoong closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy the affection. The elder’s fingers scratched at his nape gently and he felt the heaviness slowly weaken until it left him with only the pleasant tingles from Seonghwa’s touch.

‘I can’t put it into words,’ he began after several minutes of silent cuddling. ‘I just felt really weird today… and I needed to come back here.’

Seonghwa hummed. ‘Were you feeling stressed about anything?’

‘Sort of? I felt like I should be working, but I knew I should be enjoying and making the most of today, and – well, I don’t know what happened, but I guess I felt torn and didn’t know what to do,’ Hongjoong admitted. He was glad they were hugging – somehow it was much easier to share his feelings when they weren’t looking at each other.

Seonghwa let out a breath, pulling him slightly closer. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t notice, Joongie. You shouldn’t have forced yourself to come out if you were feeling like this.’  

‘It’s not your fault,’ Hongjoong protested. ‘Besides, this is making me feel a lot better,’ he said, hoping Seonghwa understood what he meant. The elder seemed to, as he simply nodded and rubbed his back comfortingly.

‘That’s good to hear. But Hongjoong, please tell me if you’re feeling down. What would have happened if I didn’t come back after you?’ Seonghwa told him seriously. Hongjoong nodded, daring to nuzzle into the elder’s neck.

‘I’m not used to stuff like this… but I’ll try.’

‘I guess that’s all I can ask for,’ Seonghwa conceded. ‘I was really worried about you earlier.’

‘Why did you come back anyway?’ Hongjoong asked.

‘Sannie saw you walking to the dorm. We didn’t think much of it, maybe you just forgot something. But then later everyone was messaging in the group chat and you weren’t online, so I figured something must be wrong. And I guess I was correct.’

‘I still feel bad,’ Hongjoong said. ‘For ruining your day. And we were all going to have dinner together,’ he remembered guiltily.

‘Hey, no bad thoughts now.’ Seonghwa pulled back a bit to look him in the eyes. Hongjoong was startled by the action but didn’t avoid eye contact this time. ‘You haven’t ruined my day, okay? It’s barely midday, we have plenty of time to enjoy ourselves. Besides, I would hardly consider cuddling as a waste of time,’ he added and Hongjoong felt his cheeks warm.

‘Okay…’

They laid there in silence for a few minutes with Seonghwa now absent-mindedly running his fingers through Hongjoong’s hair.

‘Do you still want to eat out with everyone later?’ he asked in a low voice.

Hongjoong let out a small hum of agreement. ‘Yeah, I want to. But can we do this a little longer?’

Seonghwa chuckled lightly. ‘Too shy to say “cuddle”?’ He laughed more when the younger hit him weakly in embarrassment. ‘Sure, take your time. We have hours before everyone’s meeting up.’

-

Hongjoong proved to be very clingy over the course of the next hour, but he finally decided that he wanted to go out again. Seonghwa was concerned at first, repeatedly making sure that he wasn’t forcing himself to do this, but gave in at the younger’s insistence that he was fine.

They returned outside to the shops, though Seonghwa refused to let Hongjoong go anywhere alone. The younger didn’t complain. Their cuddling session seemed to have boosted his confidence in skinship, and now he was openly holding Seonghwa’s hand despite his usual aversion to such actions.

‘Thank you for earlier,’ he said when they sat down on a bench to rest their legs.

‘You don’t need to thank me,’ Seonghwa said. ‘You would do the same for me, and any of the other members.’

‘I know, but I’m just so grateful for you,’ Hongjoong told him. ‘Like, how did I deserve to have someone to care about me like this—’

‘No bad thoughts, remember?’ Seonghwa shot him a warning look that Hongjoong laughed at.

‘It’s not a bad thought! I’m just happy to have you and the others in my life is all,’ he insisted. Seonghwa raised an eyebrow but nodded.

‘You know that –‘

‘Ah, hyungs!’

Seonghwa was interrupted by the appearance of Jongho, who sat down on Hongjoong’s other side. ‘We were getting worried about you. Are you all right?’

‘I’m good, I just needed a moment,’ Hongjoong assured the maknae.

Jongho looked at him curiously but didn’t pry. Instead, he started telling them about how Yeosang had nearly broken down in a bookstore because he couldn’t afford all the manga he wanted. As the younger rambled, Hongjoong felt a surge of affection for him and wrapped an arm around him. Jongho was a little surprised but happily leaned closer.

‘Do you want to go meet up with everyone else?’ Jongho suddenly asked. ‘They’re all at the arcade down the road.’

‘Yeah, let’s go,’ Hongjoong answered with a smile and stood up, followed by the other two. Seonghwa shot Hongjoong a questioning look over Jongho’s shoulder. _Are you sure?_

As they started walking, Hongjoong approached Seonghwa to whisper, ‘I’m fine now, I promise.’

‘Okay…’ Seonghwa sighed and grinned at him. ‘Let’s hope they didn’t gamble all their money away,’ he said louder to include Jongho in the conversation.

‘I don’t know, Yunho-hyung looked pretty determined to get this one plushie at the claw machine,’ the youngest commented. ‘If we hurry up we might catch him before he ends up with an empty wallet.’

‘It had better be a cute plushie if he’s sacrificing all his money for it,’ Seonghwa said, shaking his head. Hongjoong chuckled, feeling a lot happier than that morning. He grabbed both members’ hands and felt Seonghwa squeeze his hand back a little tighter.

‘Let’s go save Yunho’s wallet.’

**Author's Note:**

> ...wow, that got long
> 
> This has been in my drafts for so long and I really just wanted to post it so I'm sorry if the ending seems rushed!
> 
> I didn't read over or edit this much because I wanted to keep it more raw (?) (I'm also just embarrassed lol)   
> But please tell me if there are any mistakes and let me know what you think, I have a lot of stories planned and I want to be able to write them better :)
> 
> Thanks for reading, ily!! <3


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